So, apparently, I’m a legend. A sexual legend, no less. I mean, who knew my humdrum life could be so… *thrilling*? It all started, I guess, when I brought in a particularly delicious-looking banana bread. Brenda from accounting complimented it, and I, in a moment of sheer madness, said, “Thanks, it’s my grandma’s secret recipe.”
That’s where it all went wrong.
See, according to the office grapevine (which, let’s be honest, moves faster than fiber optic internet), “grandma’s secret recipe” was code for some sort of… *ahem*… performance-enhancing elixir. I wish I were making this up.
First, it was whispers. Giggles in the breakroom. Averted glances in the hallway. Then, Gary from IT, bless his cotton socks, “overheard” Brenda telling someone that my banana bread contained “special ingredients” that made me, shall we say, *energetic*. In the bedroom. Apparently, I have the stamina of a triathlete and the flexibility of a…well, you get the picture.
Then came the embellishments. Suddenly, I wasn’t just baking with “special ingredients,” I was *sourcing* them. From… exotic locations. According to Kevin from marketing (who thinks he’s so worldly because he went to Cancun once), I’d been seen smuggling back “rare herbs” in my carry-on. He even winked suggestively when he told me this. I nearly choked on my lukewarm, decidedly *un*-special coffee.
And the rumors just kept escalating. The banana bread became a metaphor. For everything. My new haircut? Attributed to a “vigorous” weekend. My slightly late arrival one morning? Blamed on a “pre-work activity” that definitely didn’t involve catching the later bus. My ability to solve that tricky coding problem that had everyone stumped? Oh, that wasn’t skill or hard work. It was apparently fueled by… you guessed it.
Honestly, it’s exhausting being this fascinating. I’m considering selling tickets to my next lunch break. Maybe I could even get Brenda to bake a batch of her famous “innuendo muffins” to sell at intermission. We could split the profits. After all, I’ve got a reputation to uphold. A *legendary* one.
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